Carson

Posts Tagged ‘her.’

Her being Ashley. I’ve known her for 3 1/2 years. I know it seems childish to say I’ve loved her since I’ve met her.. but I honestly believe that it was shortly after I met her that I began loving her. Though it took a temporary separation to make me realize it. She’s the reason I discovered I was gay. I had stayed silent for almost a year about it until she was moving to Dallas. So I wrote her a note and told her I loved her. 6 months later I asked her to be mine. I’d never been so happy with her Yes. Yeah I’ve technically dated 2 guys before… but I didn’t care about them even slightly. I dated them because I didn’t know how relationships worked not because I mean or anything. Anyway.. we dated for 5 months nothing but snuggling and hand holding, then one night suddenly we were touching and kissing.. we didn’t go all the way but.. a year and 4 months passed and nothing no kisses, just back to snuggles and hand holding.. right up until she broke up with me. Said we didn’t have anything in common any more. I cried for weeks.. normally I can contain my sadness but I was openly sobbing in class day after day. I dug my nails into my arm the night she broke up with me but I didn’t realize it until the next day. I didn’t eat for days except what my friend forced me to. I saw her 3 days later at a party I threw and we acted like everything was fine.. I hadn’t told anyone but the one friend.. she told 1 friend that it was awkward to be around me because she knows she hurt me but she doesn’t feel the same way. I saw her again recently a few weeks at a convention.. everything seems back to normal.. me and her danced but I think she did so out of pity… everyone kept telling me she didn’t treat me right, but I say she did.. I’m sort of in servitude to her but of my own volition. I can’t lose her. I’m fine being by her side to make her happy in anyway I can…. I keep telling myself that I should be grateful that I still have her in my life and I am! but… I love her so much I’m hoping that she just needed her freedom from the long distance commitment for when she goes to college.. just in case.. I’ll wait for her forever.. but I don’t know if she’ll consider me a friend when she gets swept up in college life.. right now I consider myself playing the waiting game which I will do for years… but does anyway think she might look my way again? I’m so lost but I don’t want to lose her.. please help.. someone, anyone, if you can..
Sorry. meant to say that even though I dated 2 guys before technically I’ve never cared about anyone but her. I’ve never had any kind of crush before and then there was her… I don’t want to move on nor do I see myself doing so. I’m undyingly loyal to her.. the thought of me being with anybody else.. ever.. disgusts me. Makes me want to hate myself more. Also I’m extremely shy.. I think that if I could get over that… even slightly that it might go better.. any suggestions for getting over my shyness?